Relationships – though it sometimes seems like we can’t live with ‘em, I doubt we’d want to live without ‘em. With their vast range of emotions, they provide the delicious texture and color of our lives.

Whether they’re providing a little too much “color,” however, or not enough, there isn’t any relationship that can’t be improved with the infusion of the three C’s: Compassion, Communication and Curiosity.

Nothing Personal

So much of the pain and friction in relationships comes from taking things personally. Sure, it’s hard not to feel the sting from a rude or critical comment. But, in fact, while someone’s behavior may have been triggered by your words or actions, it is fundamentally a reflection of their own perceptions, beliefs and state of mind – not any kind of definitive statement about who you are.

Have you ever made a sarcastic comment to someone who thought it was wildly funny, and then made a similar remark to someone else who was deeply offended? Or how about a man who customarily opens the car door for his date – on one occasion, the woman appreciates the gesture; with another woman, he is lambasted for being patriarchal or sexist and told she can open her own door, thank you very much. Same action, different response. Which one should he take personally?!

This is not to say that you shouldn’t maintain boundaries and inform someone when their behavior is inappropriate or hurtful, or take responsibility for your own actions. Still, there’s no need to create emotional pain – or spend hours seething over a perceived insult – by interpreting someone’s words or actions as a declaration of your worth.

Communicate, Communicate

What article about relationships would be complete without discussing the importance of communication? It truly is the linchpin to deep understanding and intimacy, but your communication style can make the difference between strengthening – or derailing – your connection.

What’s their story? Remember this radical concept: people are different. Be careful not to assume you know exactly what someone is feeling or why they reacted the way they did. Everyone has a story based on their past experience, references and how they see the world – before you jump to conclusions or discount seemingly irrational behavior, why not try to find out what’s behind it?

In their book Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most, authors Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen cite the example of Rory and her stubborn Great Aunt Bertha who sleeps on a sagging old mattress despite terrible back problems. “No matter what I say,” says Rory, “she refuses to let me buy her a new mattress. Everyone in the family tells me Aunt Bertha is just crazy, you can’t reason with her. I guess it’s true.”

Aunt Bertha is the first to agree that her mattress is old and battered. “It’s the one I shared with my husband for forty years, and it makes me feel safe,” she says. “There are so many other changes in my life, it’s nice to have a little haven that stays the same.” Ah, not so irrational after all, is it.

Here, explain the authors, is where curiosity comes in. Instead of saying, “How can they think that?!” ask yourself, “I wonder what information they have that I don’t?” Instead of asking, “How can they be so irrational?” ask, “How might they see the world such that their view makes sense?” Certainty that you’re right shuts down possibility; curiosity opens it up.

Be self-centered. On the flip side, when it’s time to tell your story, make sure it is from your point of view. My wise friend, Marion, has a proven recipe for this. Here, in her words:

Instead of tossing out accusations and criticism (“How come you never…?” “Why are you so…?”), use “I” statements to tell someone what you feel. Start your conversation with “I’m feeling _______ (disconnected, envious, angry), and I know that you _____ (have a lot of challenges right now, may be feeling overwhelmed, are trying so hard, or any other positive affirmation).

I don’t want to add to your feelings of pressure. And you don’t have to do anything about this. But I just wanted you to know how I’m feeling in this situation.” (It’s important to say it without a charge, however, so wait until you’re in control of your emotions when you “share.”)

The only other statement you might add (and this seems to work well on highly sensitive teenage children) is: “What would help me feel better is ______ (if you could reassure me that you care, knowing that you really mean to take out the trash in a more timely way, if you would kiss me goodnight before you roll over, etc).”

And then you wait. As long as it takes for them to process what you’ve said. More than likely they will appreciate that the burden is not on them to “fix” what’s wrong, and be open to discussing a compromise.

Shift Your Focus

Have you ever found yourself increasingly irritated with someone – a colleague, say, who you have pleasant chats with by the snack machine but now that you are on a cross-country business trip together strikes you as a mass of annoying tics and mannerisms that would have driven the Dalai Lama nuts?

Okay, let’s say you are justified in your irritation. But is that where you want to be, how you want to feel? It’s your choice. Because just as you subconsciously instructed your brain to collect data on your colleague’s every maddening quirk, you can consciously shift your attention to discern and acknowledge his positive traits, tenuous as they may be (“Bill really is generous in sharing his snacks.”).

As philosopher William James said: “Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”

Why not appreciate that each of us is doing the best we know how? This will translate into gratitude, which, you’ll admit, feels better than simmering in annoyance. And who knows, your colleague’s constant chatter may be the gift of gab that gets you on an overbooked flight.

It’s All About You

So often in relationships, we become focused on the other person. What are they thinking? What do they expect, what do they want? What if instead we viewed each relationship as an opportunity to conceive of and create the kind of person we want to be. It wouldn’t matter, then, what others are doing, thinking, planning. It would only matter what we are in relationship to that.

Paradoxically, by becoming self-centered – using each interaction as an opportunity to create yourself as you want to be – you will likely receive the love and respect you desire. And if you don’t, well it’s not personal!

Crazy, isn’t it, how much of our work revolves around email these days. As the sheer volume has increased, the cumulative effect of unnecessary back-and-forth is keeping us chained to our inboxes.

Time to step up your email game

Not only is tightening up your email communications a surefire way to increase your productivity, becoming known as someone who writes clear and concise email is a quick way to stand out from the crowd which means people will be more likely to read and respond to them. Win-win.

1. Get clear.

As Stephen Covey says, “Start with the end in mind.” So before you start writing, ask yourself: what am I trying to accomplish — what result do I want? Especially with more strategic emails where I’m trying to develop a relationship, I find it helpful to sketch out a plan of action and bullet point what I want to cover.

Yes, this means you have to think. But taking time to do it up front will save you exponentially in time and energy down the road.

2. Provide context.

Like you, most people get dozens, if not hundreds, of emails every day. So keep in mind the recipient has not been sitting inside your head, mulling over the topic of this particular email.

Start off with one or two sentences to set the stage and help the person get on the same page as you: “As we discussed, I will be leading the morning meeting on Thursday.”

3. Bare the essence.

People tend to write in a veritable stream of consciousness, providing extraneous information (that too often reveals their inner insecurities) and not the important details needed to gain the best response. Go ahead, dump it all out on the page but be sure to go back and pare it down. Be ruthless.

4. Be specific.

Again, the recipient is not inside your head so avoid vague or ambiguous terms. It’s rare that people have the exact same interpretation of any particular word. Yes, you’re focused on your looming deadline so you know what “almost here” means but your recipient may not. Whenever possible use specific times, dates, amounts, etc.

5. Keep it short.

Sentences, especially the first one, should be brief, 10-12 words max. (Here’s where you need to channel Ernest Hemingway who wrote this famous short story: “For sale: baby shoes, never used.”)

Paragraphs, two to three sentences. And the email itself – ideally – should fit within one or two screens; don’t make me scroll!

Use bullet points to break up paragraphs and highlight lists.

6. Tell them what’s in it for them.

The last thing you want someone to think when they read your email is, “Who cares?” Like I said in this post, you’ll get better results (in anything) if you present your case from the other person’s point of view.

Example: If you’re asking a colleague if it’s possible to do a global edit of the data, don’t say it’s because it’d be tedious to do it manually and would take a long time (no-one cares!). Frame it as a request for a solution that will allow the whole department to get quicker access to the efficiency of a finished database.

To develop a relationship with someone who’s an expert or well-known in your industry, you need to go even further and be a giver. Master networker Serena Soo explains how to get the attention of your favorite expert.

7. Stick to one topic.

If you write about multiple things, with multiple requests, you do two things: 1) make it likely that your email actually won’t be read or acted on; and 2) make it likely that even if it is acted on or responded to, the recipient will only do one of those things.

In sales, we say “a confused mind never buys.” It’s the same with email: a confused reader doesn’t take action.

8. Show appreciation (not apologies).

Whenever possible, say thank you – for their understanding, their cooperation, the quick turnaround. Say it before they do it. However, there’s no need — ladies, I’m talking to you! — to apologize for things that are out of your control (like the weather) or if you’re simply doing your job (“I’m sorry to bother you for this report.”).

9. Write a compelling subject.

That subject line is valuable real estate, you know –  like a newspaper headline, it’s your chance to entice people to read further. If it’s vague or generic (“have a question”), they won’t. If you leave it blank (“     “), you’ll look lazy. If you don’t change the subject line (“great Christmas party!”) when writing about a different topic, you’ll create confusion.

Check out examples of smart subject lines like “super short, time sensitive request” from Mark Suster, start-up-entrepreneur-turned-investor, in his post on getting busy people to take action when you send an email.

10. Include a call to action.

How often have you gotten an email where you wondered: “Okay, now what am I supposed to do?”

At the end of the email in a separate paragraph, give a call to action: state clearly what you want the person to do. When you’re asking for information, the clearer you make your question, the better.

When possible, let the recipient know their options – the further along the thought process you take them, the quicker you are likely to get a response. Multiple choice is good. For example: “Is the reason this project is taking so long due to lack of client input, technical difficulties, or something else?”

“If…then” statements are also helpful: e.g. “Have you received a response from Client X yet? If so, please finish the report by Tuesday and email it to me. If not, can you follow up by 5:00 pm today and let me know the response?”

What are other tips you’ve found useful in writing effective email? Let me know in the comments!

Recently, on a cross-country flight from New York to California, the flight attendant announced: “We’re heading into a thunderstorm so the seatbelt sign will be on for the next 45 minutes. Feel free to get up and use the bathroom if necessary but keep in mind that we will remind you to return to your seats as quickly as possible.”

As a student of neuroscience, I was impressed by the attendant’s understanding of the “fight-or-flight” threat response. Because typically, what happens when there’s turbulence? The flight crew tells us to put our seatbelts on, with very little explanation or context.

No matter how often you fly, it’s normal to feel a bit uneasy when there’s turbulence (“how many thousands of feet are we up in the air?”). But this flight attendant’s delivery was so matter of fact, he made the situation sound totally normal and par for the course. He told us why it was happening, how long they expected it to last and anticipated our collective bladder concerns. In an inherently uncertain situation, he created a measure of certainty.

And, you know, our brains crave certainty. David Rock, head of the Neuroleadership Institute, explains: “ A sense of uncertainty about the future generates a strong threat or ‘alert’ response in your limbic system. Your brain detects something is wrong, and your ability to focus on other issues diminishes. Your brain doesn’t like uncertainty – it’s like a type of pain, something to be avoided.”

When it senses an unfamiliar pattern, our brains go into alert mode and, in my work with clients, I’ve seen over and over how common it is to take a seemingly innocuous situation —the usually responsive CEO didn’t answer an email — and immediately assume the worst case scenario (“He’s angry about what I said in the meeting”). Not only does this panicked conjecture burn up precious mental energy, it impairs our ability to make decisions, store and retrieve information and think creatively.

Likewise, without meaning to, any time you behave inconsistently, withhold information or make an unexpected change, you’re creating a potential threat response in your team — or any relationship.

A simple way to create more certainty is to make the implicit explicit: don’t assume others know what you think.

• Announce up front how long the meeting or conference call will last, so participants don’t have to wonder (and then stick to your word).
• Instead of a vague “Do you have time this afternoon to talk?” say “I need to talk with you about X.”
• If there’s a possibility that your meeting will go long and you’ll be late for a 2:00 client call, alert them in advance: way too much energy is wasted in those moments of uncertainty where someone is wondering: “Are we having the call?” “Should I go ahead and make other calls?” “Did I get the time wrong?”
• Give colleagues a heads-up: “I’ve got some personal stuff going on so if I don’t seem like usual chipper self, don’t take it personally.”
• Create as much transparency as possible, even when there isn’t much. When I was on the biz dev team at a healthcare start-up, executive management was constantly changing strategy and priorities; each time my boss had to announce yet another a new direction, he would say things like, “I can’t tell you exactly what’s going on but I will when I can.”

Every day we experience countless moments of uncertainty. Most aren’t that memorable – or turbulent — in and of themselves but the accumulated effect of the repeated stress response adds up over time, impacting productivity and creativity.

I was coaching a healthcare executive who’s caught between a rock and a hard place. The staff at his hospital are unhappy and at one point threatened to quit en masse if changes weren’t made. Why? They feel taken for granted and unappreciated.

This executive is someone with great integrity and commitment to developing his leadership skills . “But what can I do?” he asked. It takes time to meet individually with everyone. He already has so much to do, he could work 18 hours every day of the week and there would still be a long list of things to do.

And he has to be vigilant about standards. If staff isn’t following the safety and compliance procedures, patients die and then there are lawsuits and penalties and somebody gets fired.

“I’ve gotten really good at noticing what people aren’t doing right,” he told me.

“Great,” I said. “So you’ve developed the ‘noticing muscle.’ Now you just need to adjust your filter so you can also see the things people are doing right.”

Here’s how it works:

Step 1: Make a decision you’re going to notice what people do right.

Step 2: Let them know what they’re doing right. No need for hyperbole or superlatives: Just tell them what you observed. 

For example, the last time I was at Trader Joe’s, the cashier was so fast packing my groceries that she was done before I could get my earphones out of my bag. So I said: “Wow, you’re so fast, I’ve haven’t even gotten my earphones out of my bag.” Brilliant, right? Hard to believe I came up with that on the spot. But the effect was amazing: she was practically glowing as she gave me a big smile.

Some more examples:

You were really patient with Client X — he seemed very satisfied with your answers.

I saw how gentle you were in moving Patient Y out of bed — he really trusts you. 

Thanks for helping me make my point in the meeting.

Good job staying calm with all the technical issues — you were more poised than I would have been.

Or it could be as simple as a smile and a thumbs-up across the room.

These exchanges don’t take time or cost money. But the energy they generate can have an immeasurable ripple effect.

Because most people are very self-critical and afraid of making mistakes (oh, you thought you were the only one?). So when someone acknowledges what they’ve done right, they feel a greater sense of safety, confidence and motivation to give more of their discretionary effort.

This is not about avoiding constructive feedback or overlooking mistakes or lowering the bar. But years ago, a researcher named Marcial Losada discovered that the 3:1 ratio — three positives for every negative feedback — appeared to be the minimum necessary to achieve high performance. The mathematical framework of the research has since been discredited, but do you really need research to tell you that a high praise-to-criticism ratio is more effective?

For sure, this takes mental agility. You have to be able to shift back and forth between rigorous vigilance and compassionate observation. But it’s a skill that can be learned and practiced. And you have an opportunity to practice every time you interact with someone.